You probably wouldn’t go on vacation without first figuring out where you want to go, what you’ll need to pack , how long to be away, and how to get there. Likewise, you wouldn’t buy a house without first considering the size of the house you’ll need, which neighborhoods would be suitable, what your budget is, etc. Just like preparing for a vacation or house hunting, it can be helpful to do some planning to better prepare for your divorce.
So, why just head into the office of the skillful mediator, collaborative attorney or attorney litigator you have chosen without first learning a bit about what lies ahead and considering what it is that you truly want? There are things you can do to help create more favorable outcomes and bring you closer to having a better life after divorce. Here are four steps you can follow to better prepare yourself for your divorce:
- Be Proactive. I’ve heard client’s say, “I’m waiting for my attorney or mediator to tell me what to do and what comes next”. While it is important to team up and work cooperatively with your attorney or mediator, in truth, there’s no need to wait to learn about what may or may not lie ahead for you. Feel free to thumb through one of the countless books out there on the divorce process in general, divorce laws in your state, or do some web surfing to familiarize yourself with the terms you’ll be hearing a lot about such as child support, alimony, division of assets, etc. The more you know going in, the more time you will have to consider what it is that you truly want and how you’d like things to turn out in the end.
- Do Your Homework. Though you may be feeling worn out, saddened, fuming mad, or defeated (or all of these) over this significant turn of life events, it is not time to simply put your head in the sand or just blindly follow everyone else’s advice. Take charge of what is happening to you. Go on a walk through your family home and start noting the items that you feel you can’t live without or start to consider what really works for you and your family about how you are living presently and what you’d like to see change (Do you really need a big yard that demands mowing and lots of maintenance? Is having a living room and a family room important?) Think about the town or city you live in and ask yourself if it is essential for you and your family to continue living here or nearby or if there are other areas that might be worth looking into? Have a look at your family finances (income, debt, pensions, retirement preparations, assets, etc) and begin, in a general way, to develop an understanding of what the financial picture looks like now and what you might need for you and your family after the divorce.
- Set Goals For Yourself and Your Family. Where would you like to see yourself one year from now? Two years? Five years? This doesn’t just refer to geographic location. This relates to visualizing the kind of life you would like to be living: How you would like your life to go, what would you like to be doing? While Divorce does represent an often painful ending to a significant period of your life, it also presents an opportunity for a new beginning, for the start of the next chapter of your life. Take the time to ask yourself, What would a really good divorce settlement for me look like? What would I (or the family and I) like to be doing in a year or two? What would a day in my (or my family’s) life look like if all went well? In other words, don’t go into your divorce without having a pretty good idea of how you’d like to come out of it!
- Study Up. Talk with friends, colleagues, and relatives about what went well for them in their divorce and what didn’t. Don’t be put off by the ‘horror stories’ that some people love to share. Remember that you are entitled to your own, personalized, custom-made divorce and the more you know up front about the process and your situation, the better position you will be in to work with your attorney or mediator to come up with creative and unique solutions that will work best for you.
