How to Help Friends And Family Talk With You About Your Divorce

by Betsy Ross LICSW CGP on February 4, 2011

While we receive an education in algebra, english grammar, and American history, we don’t necessarily learn how to talk to our loved ones about the end of their marriage. So, when it comes to your best friend, your brother, your poker buddy, or your office mate, they are going to need a lot of help in learning how to talk with you as you undergo your divorce. Here are a few ground rules to show them so they can begin to learn to speak your language:Listen To Me Please: If I need to talk about how frustrated, frightened, sad, or numb I feel, please just listen. Don’t try to make it better with “It will pass”, “Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine” or “It’s better this way”. Those phrases are meaningless to me when I am hurting or scared. Just listen and acknowledge that this is hard for me and that you know I’m going through a very difficult time.

Please Reach Out To Me: I am hurting now, even if I am keeping my best game face on for the sake of my children or to get through my work day. Even though I may not show my pain or ask for your help, do know that I could use a phone call, note or visit from you. What you say to me as well as your tone of voice, eye contact, and body language can be very comforting and can help me feel loved.

I Can Say My Spouse Is a Jerk, But You Can’t: Even if you never ever liked anything about my partner, please don’t say it now. Honor the fact that we were together for a significant period of time and it meant something to me. Even if I am complaining and spelling out my spouse’s (many) faults, please don’t chime in. It’s better for me to say these things and not have to hear them from you.

Make An Offer: Could you offer to pick my kids up and bring them to school one morning so I can sleep in? Can you offer to register me for the adult ed workshop I’ve been mentioning but can’t seem to get to? Would it be possible for you to mow my lawn or fix my garage door? Bring in dinner? Any practical assistance you an offer would be very welcome now as the emotions I am experiencing during this transition can really drain me of my energy and I could use your help.

Even If I Said “No” Yesterday, Ask Me Again Tomorrow: While I may keep saying ‘No’ to your offers of help, please understand that it may be hard for me to admit, even to myself, that I need help now. Your generosity means a lot to me. Please keep offering your help or inviting me out or whatever it is that you are doing. It helps me to see that you care enough to think of me this way, even if I can’t take you up on your assistance just yet.

I Feel Like A Failure: No matter who did what to whom, I feel, at least in part, that I have failed. We have called it quits and my married life is over. That is a painful fact for me to ackowledge. It makes me feel bad about myself, even ashamed sometimes. Please keep in mind that my feelings are bruised and I need you to be gentle and not demand much from me right now. Yes, I know that you have needs and feelings too, but I can’t attend to them at the moment as I am barely treading water to take care of myself and my family.

Be Patient: I am hoping that in time I will feel more like myself again, but right now, I am not sure about who I am. There is a lot of change going on that I have to adjust to. Please be patient and give me time to work this all out. Keep me in the loop of what is going on for you and for those we know in common, but please understand that I may not be able to be as involved in things as I have been.

Do Not Under Any Circumstances Ask Me About My Love Life: No matter what I am doing or who I am seeing, this is private and it’s my choice whether or not I want to discuss something so personal with you or anyone else. Let me be the one to bring it up, if I choose!

Taking these ideas into account can help make the transition a smoother one and improve communications in your relationships with those undergoing big personal changes. Do you have any other thoughts on how to communicate better with someone you care about who is going through a divorce? If so, please send them to us in the comments section below.

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